Random Funny Things to Say in a Text

Life is too short for boring texts. Whether you’re messaging a friend, trying to make someone smile, or just breaking up the monotony of everyday conversation, the right random text can turn an ordinary day into something memorable. The best part? You don’t need perfect timing or comedic genius. Sometimes the most unexpected, ridiculous messages are exactly what make people laugh out loud.

Absurdly Random Texts

Sometimes the funniest texts make absolutely no sense, and that’s exactly why they work. Send these out of nowhere to confuse and amuse someone.

Messages to Send:

• I think my pet rock is mad at me. It’s been giving me the silent treatment for three days.
• Do you ever wonder if clouds get offended when we call them fluffy?
• Just realized I’ve never seen a baby pigeon. Are they hiding something from us?
• Emergency: I accidentally sat on my glasses and now I have a clearer outlook on life.
• Why do they call it a building if it’s already built? This is keeping me up at night.
• I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s cat is plotting world domination. Should I be concerned?
• Do fish ever get thirsty? Asking for a friend who’s having an existential crisis.
• I just spent twenty minutes looking for my phone while using my phone’s flashlight. I need help.
• If we’re not supposed to eat at midnight, why is there a light in the fridge? Explain that.
• My socks keep disappearing in the laundry. Pretty sure my dryer is a portal to another dimension.
• Why is it called rush hour when nobody’s moving? Someone lied to us.
• Convinced that somewhere, there’s a parallel universe where I have my life together.
• Do you think turtles ever think about us? Because I think about them constantly.
• My refrigerator is running but I’m not going to chase it. That’s cardio.
• The alphabet would be more exciting if Q and U weren’t so clingy.

What NOT to say: “I killed a spider earlier and named it after you first.” Dark humor about violence, even toward insects, can make people uncomfortable rather than amused.

Quick One Liner Texts

Short, punchy texts that land immediately. Perfect for making someone laugh without requiring a long response.

Messages to Send:

• I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.
• Currently arguing with myself. We’re both losing.
• I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
• My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
• Not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?
• I have a photographic memory but I always forget to bring the camera.
• Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
• I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
• I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• Reality called so I hung up.
• I’m not always late. Sometimes I don’t show up at all.
• Whoever invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
• Trying to organize a hide and seek competition but it’s really hard to find good players.
• Currently at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
• My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
• I speak fluent sarcasm and broken adulting.
• My brain has too many tabs open and one of them is frozen.
• I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.

What NOT to say: “I’m smarter than everyone we know combined.” Wit should be self deprecating or observational, not genuinely insulting to others.

Weird Questions to Text

Questions that make no sense are texting gold. They start conversations and show off your playful side.

Messages to Send:

• If you could fight one historical figure, who would you choose and why?
• Would you rather have hands for feet or feet for hands? I need your answer immediately.
• If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest? I’m betting on cats.
• Do you think crabs think fish can fly? This is urgent.
• If you were a kitchen appliance, what would you be and why?
• Would you rather sweat maple syrup or cry hot sauce? Choose wisely.
• What’s your superhero name if your power is based on the last thing you ate?
• Would you fight 100 duck sized horses or one horse sized duck? Explain your strategy.
• If your life was a genre of music right now, what would it be?
• What’s the most useless talent you have? Mine is memorizing song lyrics I’ve heard once.
• If you had to smell like one food forever, which would you pick?
• Would you rather speak only in rhymes or only be able to whisper forever?
• If you could rename yourself based on your personality, what would your name be?
• If you were a type of weather, what would you be? I’m definitely partly cloudy with a chance of naps.
• If you could only eat one shape of pasta forever, which shape and why? This matters.
• Quick poll: is cereal a soup? I’m in a heated debate and need your vote.

What NOT to say: “Would you rather watch your parents make out or join them?” Some questions cross way too many boundaries even as jokes.

Relatable Life Observations

Texts that point out the absurdity in everyday situations. These make people laugh because they’re so true.

Messages to Send:

• Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? Who designed this disaster?
• The closest I’ve come to a diet this year is deleting food pictures from my phone.
• I love how we all pretend we’re going to read the terms and conditions someday.
• Autocorrect is my worst enema. I mean enemy. SEE?
• Nothing brings neighbors together like a stranger parking in front of your house.
• I say “I’ll be ready in five minutes” the way people say “I’ll just have one cookie.”
• Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday? Math isn’t mathing.
• The Olympics should include everyday activities like untangling headphones.
• I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
• Nothing tests a relationship like assembling furniture together.
• Wonder how many calories I burn jumping to conclusions every day.
• Most unrealistic thing about Spider Man is that he’s from New York and can afford an apartment.
• My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
• Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
• How is it that we put a man on the moon but can’t make a USB that plugs in right the first time?

What NOT to say: “Ever notice how all old people are terrible at everything?” Humor that mocks entire groups isn’t funny, it’s just mean.

Punny Nonsense Texts

Puns and wordplay that make people groan and laugh at the same time. The worse the pun, the better.

Messages to Send:

• I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure.
• Reading a book about anti gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
• Stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
• Did you hear about the mathematician afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
• The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
• Couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it clicked.
• Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
• Decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
• The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• I’m terrified of elevators so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• I have a fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.
• What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

What NOT to say: “I have a bomb joke but it’ll blow you away.” Even obvious puns about sensitive topics can make people uncomfortable.

Self Deprecating Humor Texts

Being funny about yourself is charming. These texts show you don’t take yourself too seriously.

Messages to Send:

• I put the “pro” in procrastination and the “mess” in domestic.
• My life feels like a test I didn’t study for and the questions are in a language I don’t speak.
• Not saying I’m out of shape but I just got winded scrolling through social media.
• My cooking is so good even the smoke alarm cheers me on.
• I’m the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
• I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on most of the time.
• My bank account is like an archaeological dig. The further down you go, the more concerning it gets.
• Not clumsy, just testing gravity. Repeatedly. About seven times today already.
• My attention span is so short I just forgot what I was texting about my attention span.
• Not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship.
• I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.
• Just waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me. Moving to another country now.
• I tried adulting today. It was exhausting. Going back to bed.
• Survived another day without being on the news. Success.
• Pretty sure my guardian angel drinks. Heavily.

What NOT to say: “I’m such a disaster I should just give up on life.” Self deprecating humor should be light, not genuinely concerning or depressing.

Random Funny Facts and Thoughts

Text someone a random fact or thought that makes them laugh and think at the same time.

Messages to Send:

• Just remembered that penguins have knees. You’re welcome for this life changing information.
• Fun fact: you can’t hum while holding your nose. I know you just tried it.
• Random thought: flamingos can drink boiling water. They’re basically immortal superheroes.
• If you could be any type of bread what would you be? I’m definitely sourdough.
• What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
• Butterflies taste with their feet. Imagine tasting floor everywhere you go.
• A group of flamingos is called a flamboyance. We should rename friend groups this.
• Bananas are berries but strawberries aren’t. Everything I know is a lie.
• The dot over the letter i is called a tittle. Use this information wisely.
• Octopuses have three hearts. Imagine the heartbreak potential.
• Your skeleton is wet right now. You’re welcome for that horrifying thought.
• Sea otters hold hands while sleeping so they don’t drift apart. Meanwhile I can’t even get a text back.
• Your nose is always in your line of sight but your brain ignores it. Now you can’t unsee it.
• A jiffy is an actual unit of time: 1/100th of a second. All this time it was real.

What NOT to say: “I’m watching you right now and you look weird.” Jokes about stalking or surveillance aren’t funny, they’re creepy and concerning.

READ: Funny Birthday Thank You Responses

Funny Texts for Different People

Match your random humor to who you’re texting for maximum impact. Here’s how to adjust your funny stuff to say based on your relationship.

For Friends:

• Just saw someone walking their cat on a leash and immediately thought you need to witness this lifestyle choice.
• If we were in a zombie apocalypse, I’d save you right after I saved myself. That’s friendship.
• Remember when we thought we were adults? That was hilarious.
• You and I are like a really small gang. We make questionable decisions but we’re loyal.
• Your weirdness matches my weirdness perfectly. That’s rare and beautiful.
• Do you ever look at someone and wonder what’s going on inside their head? I do that to myself constantly.

For Siblings:

• Mom always said I was the favorite. Just wanted to remind you.
• Remember that embarrassing thing you did in 2009? I still remember.
• We survived childhood together. Everything else is easy now.
• You’re the reason I have trust issues and also the reason I laugh at inappropriate times.
• Thanks for being the trial run so I knew what not to do. You’re welcome, Mom and Dad.
• I’d share my food with you, but let’s not get crazy here.

For Parents:

• Thanks for not selling me when I was a difficult teenager. That showed real commitment.
• Just used your advice and it worked. Please don’t let this go to your head.
• I’m adulting so hard right now. By adulting I mean eating cereal for dinner.
• You raised me right. I used my turn signal today and everything.
• I turned out pretty great considering I was raised by you. Just kidding, because of you.

For Your Daughter or Son:

• Just wanted to remind you that you’re awesome. Also, clean your room.
• I’m not a regular parent, I’m a cool parent. At least that’s what I tell myself.
• Remember: I brought you into this world and I can embarrass you in front of your friends.
• You get your humor from me. You get your attitude from your other parent.
• Love you more than pizza. And I really love pizza.

For Your Girlfriend:

• If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute cumber. I’ll see myself out.
• You’re the reason I check my phone every five seconds. Also anxiety, but mostly you.
• You’re like coffee. Hot, sweet, and I can’t function without you.
• I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
• You make me laugh more than my own jokes. That’s saying something.

For Your Boyfriend:

• On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need. That was terrible but I’m sending it anyway.
• You’re the reason I smile at my phone like an idiot in public.
• I love you more than pizza. Wait, let me rethink that.
• You’re the only person I’d share my fries with. That’s true love.
• If you were a triangle you’d be acute one. I’m not even sorry.

For Colleagues or Boss:

• Survived another meeting that could’ve been an email. Where’s my medal?
• Coffee count today: 4. Productivity level: still processing.
• Is it Friday yet? Asking for a friend who’s me.
• My favorite exercise at work is running out of patience.
• Today’s goal: look busy enough that no one assigns me more work.

For Teachers:

• I actually did my homework this time. Just wanted to document this historic moment.
• Your class is the only thing keeping me from sleeping until noon. That’s a compliment, I think.
• Thanks for not giving up on me even when I gave you several valid reasons to.
• You make learning almost as fun as scrolling through memes. That’s high praise from my generation.

So go ahead. Send that weird observation. Ask that absurd question. Text that terrible pun. The worst that happens? Someone thinks you’re a little strange. The best that happens? You make someone’s day brighter with five seconds of effort. And honestly, that’s worth being random for.